I'm Sorry
by DarknessAngel013
Summary: When Buffy steps over the line, Spike must learn to walk away. But is it necessarily the best thing for their family? SPUFFY !AU! Songfic to the Song Goodnight by Maroon 5.


I'm Sorry

"I saw you two together; and it hurt, I can't say it didn't."

"It wasn't…I mean," she stammered in reply.

"'Course it hurt me more than you can ever imagine."

"If there's one thing I'm up to date on—it's pain."

"Buffy…"

She turned away. "Spike," she mimicked.

"Tell me you're not doing this again, and I'll turn away; pretend."

She was silent.

"You're _still _sleeping with him?"

She bit her lip. "He's hardly around."

"It doesn't matter, Buffy. What about Bella?"

"She's at school when it happens," she argued.

"What about me?"

She shook her head. "I still love you, but he's…"

"He's your first; wonderful. It's not like I haven't heard that one before."

"Stop it," she gasped.

"I can't do this anymore."

She whipped her head around. "Spike, no…you can't. Bella…"

"I'll visit."

She crossed her arms, crying. "I love you."

"I know; I love you too. But you love him more."

"No!" she wailed. "I don't! Or I would have…"

"Married him?"

"Yes," she breathed. "But I married you."

"Yes, you did."

"Don't leave me," she sobbed, going quiet.

_You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together_

He took the brunt of the pain, turning away, always forgiving, never believing that this was anything more than a fairytale; he was the Pauper, not worth her attentions. Angel was the Prince with the less-than-honorable intentions. He cringed. That bastard had ripped apart his family; and he was still working his magic on Spike's beating heart.

Yes, _beating _heart. He had found a way to come back human. He had come back to her, groveled, pleaded, and she had taken him back—finally loving him. But with Spike, came Angel. Death had its disadvantages. The cruel monster had planted William the Bloody on Angel's doorstep—ethereal and grieving.

But he had come back; and she had chosen him over Angel. Angel was still a vampire. Spike wasn't. It should have been an easy choice.

But she had succumbed to the dangerous passion that had coated her relationships from the beginning. She returned to the dark, letting Spike stew and broil in his mortal emotions, trying to keep it straight—because he loved her. And he loved their daughter. But he couldn't handle it anymore. His heart was shattered—completely tarnished. He couldn't stay here any longer.

_I lick my wounds but I can never see them getting better_

So he left, trying hard to ignore the looks of the small child nestled against the arm of the couch, trying to be inconspicuous. But he saw her. He could smell her—the sweet, lilac shampoo she washed her hair with, the fresh smell of her Aunt's cookies. He had been here a dozen times—always turning back, expecting the pain to end. But it just kept throbbing.

_  
Something's gotta change_

He had stayed long enough. This had to change. His eyes met the little girl's and he gave her a sad smile. "Bells," he murmured.

She shook her head. "Don't go."

_Things cannot stay the same  
_

Her near-silent plea wounded him. "I have to go," he managed.

She sobbed. "No; Daddy, don't go."

"I can't stay here, pet; your mum doesn't want me here."

"But Mommy loves you!"

"Not anymore, pet."

"Daddy…" she sobbed and ran into his open arms.

He cradled her small body to him, crying himself.

"Take me with you…" she murmured.

His shoulders tensed. "I can't; I don't even know where I'm going."

"Are you gonna' come back?"

"I don't know; it's up to your mother."

"You have to come back."

He wiped her tears away. "I'll visit. I love you."

He placed her on the ground and kissed the top of her head, softly. Then, gathering his small suitcase, he turned to the door. The darkness was almost threatening. That was loneliness out there—a loneliness he hadn't seen in a long while. Bella sniffled, clinging to the bottom of his duster. "Don't go, Daddy."

_  
Her hair was pressed against her face, her eyes were red with anger_

He didn't visit for weeks—he was too busy trying to find a job, find a place to live, find solace. And when he did show up, it was late at night, and he was forced to crawl through an upstairs window. Buffy wasn't here. It sent a pang of both worry and pain through him as he made his way to his daughter's room.

She was lying under the covers, sleeping soundly. She looked older, somehow—she didn't look seven. He put a hand to her face and she started, blinking up at him. Suddenly, her face changed and she scooted away, her eyes angry, and her blonde hair plastered to her face with sweat and static.

_  
Enraged by things unsaid and empty beds and bad behavior  
_

"Get out," she breathed.

His heart clenched. "Bells," he stammered.

"You didn't come back; she cried a lot. I cried a lot. She locked a man out of the house. She said he was a problem. And she waited by the door for you. She wouldn't sleep in her bed anymore. But you didn't come. So she left."

He sucked in a breath. "She left?"

"Not like you; but she started leaving every night. And she'd come back smelling like your coat—leather, smoke and alcohol."

"Oh, Bells," he murmured, reaching for her.

_Something's gotta change_

"I'll come back," he whispered.

She shook her head. "No you won't; you said that before. And you didn't. You stayed away for a long time. I wanted you to come back." She was crying. "I had a school play. I was the Little Princess," she said, hiccuping, "And you were the only Daddy not there. You weren't even there in spirit. Mommy tried to call you, but you didn't pick up your phone. She cried a lot that night."

This had to change. "I'm sorry, Bells."

There was a creak as the downstairs door opened.

"Mommy," Bella whispered, "You better go."

He kissed her forehead. "I'll come back; with my bags and apologies and everything. And you can reenact your play for me; and we'll play dolls and dinosaurs, just like we used to. Just don't give up on me, pet."

_It must be rearranged, oh_

"I love you, Daddy."

"I love you, pet."

He had to change this. "I'll see you again soon."

"Yes," she agreed. "Go out my window."

He smiled and kissed her one last time.

Then he was gone.__

I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl  


"I'm so sorry, Bells."

The darkness didn't answer him.

He wasn't really surprised.

_It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world_

"I shouldn't have done this."

_  
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight  
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight  
Goodnight, hope that__ things work out all right_

The room was silent as we all tried so hard to remember

The silence permeated everything—soaked into every pore in everything. It was different: being on the other side of the door. She wouldn't speak. She just looked at him, her eyes wide and watery.

"Buffy, you can't hate me forever; and you can't banish me. I'm human, just like you. It's not that easy anymore."

She sobbed. "Nothing's easy anymore."

"Our relationship has never been easy. Remember?"

_The way it feels to be alive  
_

"Of course I remember. We used to bring the house down. We were full of everything—passion, love, intimacy, protection—and that special fire we had."

_The day that he first met her  
_

"And we had fight all the time," he continued. "But they were never serious."

"I could have killed you that first day."

"But you didn't."

"It must have been fate."

_Something's gotta change_

"We can't live like this anymore."

"I know," she breathed.

"I want to come home."

"I know."

He took her hands in his. She had opened the door just far enough. She was shaking with repressed sobs and her heart-shaped face was turned to the ground. "Buffy, I love you."

She looked up and smiled, sobbing. "I know."

_  
Things cannot stay the same_

"I banished him. He can't come in the house."

"That doesn't fix everything."

She bit her lip. "I was insecure."

"Everyone that grows old feels insecure. He made you feel young again. I understand that; but why didn't you tell me you were lonely?"

"Because you were being the good dad—concentrated on Bella, on your job; and I didn't feel like it was my place to step in. I was being so immature. But I wanted the passion back. I wanted what we started with."

_  
__You make me think of someone wonderful, but I can't place her  
_

"We're not the same people, Buffy."

She nodded. "I know."

"I don't even see the old you anymore."

"Yes, you do. What I've been doing—that's the old me. I did this when we were first together, too; because I couldn't accept that someone else could love me as much as he did. And I couldn't accept that I had moved on."

_I wake up every morning wishing one more time to face her_

"Sometimes I want her back," she whispered.

"I don't. I like you how you are."

She pulled him through the door and melted into his arms. He kissed the top of her head, feeling tears prick the corners of his eyes.

_  
Something's gotta change_

"We need to go back to the way we were, before all this mess, love," he murmured, rubbing his face in her hair.

"No more insecurities."

"No need." He kissed her head. "I love you."

_  
It must be rearranged, oh  
_

"I love you too."

"Forever?"

"And for always."

_  
I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl_

"I'm sorry, Buffy."

_  
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of a heavy world  
_

"I'm sorry, Spike."

_So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight  
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight  
Goodnight, hope that things work out all right_

So much to love

Bella made a beeline for the couple. "Mommy! Daddy!"

Spike turned to look at her, Buffy smiling in his embrace. "Bells! It's so good to see you!" he cajoled, lifting her onto his shoulder, Buffy still nestled under his right arm. " 'Ow are we today, pet?" he queried, nuzzling her cheek with his stubbly chin.

"Better."

_  
So much to learn_

It would take a lot of time for him to trust her; they had to learn to travel those lines again. But they were on the right track. He could feel it.

"Love you," he murmured.

"Love you too," they both responded.

Bella's eyes were full of innocence. He felt a pang of regret. She could go through this in the future—this insecurity, this lack of trust. She could have her heart broken. She probably would.

_  
But I__ won't be there to teach you_

And he wouldn't be there to teach her how to save herself; because, frankly, he didn't really know. Fate just had a funny way of stepping in when he needed her. He was a _very _lucky ex-vampire.

_  
I know I can't be close  
_

And it would take a long time before he would feel close again—close to his wife, close to his daughter and, most of all, close to his heart.

_But I try my best to reach you_

But he would try to find a way to bridge the gap. He would find the trust he had lost in the years gone by. He would find a way to make it right. __

I'm so sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"It's okay, Daddy."

_  
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of a heavy world_

"I'm sorry, Buffy."

"It's okay, Spike. I'm sorry too."

_  
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight  
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight  
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight  
Goodnight, hope that things work out all right, yeah  
_


End file.
